#trending | My good friend retains borrowing my money and NEVER pays me again – US Femail Weekend Features Venture | mail Online
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Worldwide greatest-promoting creator Jane offers advice on DailyMail.com readers’ burning points in her weekly Expensive Jane column. In her latest advice, Jane means that if one is keen to help out a good friend financially, it ought to be a present, not a mortgage. She additionally advises that if a good friend has requested one other to maintain a secret, it is deceitful and the friendship may not survive. Jane additionally encourages a reader to not fear about what others assume and to live life in the best way they select, no matter age.
Expensive Jane,
My oldest good friend is all the time in monetary hassle and has requested me for money (once more). She all the time guarantees to pay me again, however I’ve by no means seen a cent.
I have all the time jumped in to help out, however now I’ve simply found from one other good friend that my struggling pal has booked a luxurious cruise journey for the pair of them and requested her to not inform me.
I’m shocked, and harm, and really feel betrayed. She simply requested for one more ‘mortgage’, however she’s clearly utilizing the money to secretly live a lavish life-style.
What do I do?
Love, More and more Poorer
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Expensive More and more Poorer,
My grandfather all the time used to cite Shakespeare: ‘Neither a borrower nor a lender be.’
In other phrases, do not borrow money, and do not lend it. What he meant was not that you need to by no means help out a good friend in want, as you could have accomplished Quite a few Occasions, however that if you’re going to help out financially, contemplate it a present, slightly than a mortgage.
Too many friendships have been ruined by money, and it is fair to imagine that somebody who has acquired themselves into repeated hassle financially may have a tough time paying you again. In case you are keen and capable of help them financially, the one means ahead is to let go of any expectations that you can be paid again.
Years in the past I had a good friend who was having a horrible time, and I knew that the monetary stress on her was monumental. I by no means fairly understood why she did not ever have money, however despatched her a big quantity – I was significantly flush on the time – which I suspected would get her out of the opening.
Worldwide greatest-promoting creator offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning points in her weekly Expensive Jane agony aunt column
The very first thing she stated, after tears of aid, was that she would pay me again, however I by no means anticipated her to.
In my head, this was a present. Through the years I have seen her spend lavishly on issues I wouldn’t spend money on in that place, however that is her alternative, simply because it was my alternative to offer her money with no strings connected. I acknowledged that it wasn’t my job to inform her the place to spend her money, and when she spent it on designer purses, I had to be okay with it.
That stated, I resolved that I wouldn’t lend money to that individual good friend once more, however would fortunately support her in other ways.
Which is the problem with giving money. If it is a reward, it is theirs to do with as they are going to.
The larger problem is your good friend asking one other to maintain the cruise a secret. She is aware of she shall be judged, however how much higher it might have been for her to have been clear?
Who is aware of, had she come to you and stated: ‘I have not had a trip in years, I’m exhausted, I don’t have any money, and I have this chance to go on a cruise, is there any means you can help me?’ maybe you’d have stated sure, delighted at having the ability to help her out.
That she is making an attempt to hide this is deceitful. I recommend you sit down along with her and say simply that: had she been trustworthy, you’d have had a alternative, however that you simply now really feel betrayed by what she has accomplished. See what she has to say, however I’m unsure a friendship can, or ought to, survive this type of betrayal.
Expensive Jane,
Final 12 months I (amicably) divorced my husband of 26 years; there was nothing ‘fallacious’ in our relationship per se, however through the years we grew aside and the spark we have been lucky sufficient to take pleasure in for thus lengthy finally dimmed to nothing.
On the encouragement of my pals I joined just a few relationship apps – simply to see what was on the market – and some months in the past I ended up connecting with an exquisite, good-looking man… who simply so occurs to be 18 years my junior.
In so many ways, it’s been fantastic. He is attentive, passionate, energetic and he’s reignited my very own sense of journey. However at 49, I’m discovering it extremely troublesome to become involved in his life-style.
I don’t wish to exit partying at bars with a gaggle of 30-somethings till the early hours of the morning, and I actually don’t find the prospect of a ‘10-particular person budget ski journey’ interesting – however I additionally don’t need him to assume that I’m outdated and boring.
Is there a means I can show that age actually is only a number? Or am I caught solely relationship older males for the remainder of my life?
Love,
Ageing disgracefully
Expensive Ageing Disgracefully,
It sounds such as you’re already beginning to assume that this may not be the connection for you, and I suspect, given your misgivings, this may be working its course.
Nonetheless, not for a second do I assume you’re caught relationship older males. In truth, so far as I’m involved, having nearly hit the perfect decade of your life, you’re free to resolve precisely what sort of relationship you need, and what works for you.
Expensive Jane’s Sunday service
Say what you imply, imply what you say, don’t say it imply
A few years in the past I heard this saying and it modified my life. So usually we’re scared of being trustworthy, anxious that folks gained’t like us, anxious they may get indignant.
Once we are trustworthy, and say issues calmly, and kindly, it is much simpler for individuals to listen to.
Whether or not it’s, I love you however I am now not capable of lend you money, or, I love being with you however a budget ski journey is not one thing I would take pleasure in, once we are clear, and type, not solely will it’s heard, it is higher for us, and infinitely higher than spinning an internet of lies.
Certainly one of my dearest pals has been relationship an exquisite man for the final 5 years, and they’re fairly certain that they are going to be collectively for all times.
Every of them has their very own house, and though they spend some evenings, and nights, collectively, a minimum of half the week she will get to go to her house, placed on her softest pajamas, and climb into mattress with a cup of tea, a stack of magazines, and a cat. Which she describes as ‘heaven’.
There are such a lot of joys of getting older – consolation in our pores and skin, skill to say no, to resolve what we’ll and won’t tolerate in our lives. We care much less what others consider us, and notice that we now not should individuals-please, that in truth, ought to we want to be in mattress by 9 o’clock each evening, we’re completely entitled to forego bar-hopping and late-evening events.
Each lady I know over the age of 45 is engaged on perfecting her Irish exit (leaving an occasion very quietly, with out saying goodbye, and ideally, with out being observed). My ‘by no means once more’ checklist consists of futons, boxed white wine, and large cruise ships.
As for being outdated and boring, take a look at model icon Iris Apfel – she’s 101 years outdated, as trendy as ever, and nonetheless bringing out new product strains! I defy anybody to call her outdated and boring.
This is much less about age than about stage. It sounds such as you may be at a distinct stage in your life, and also you may finally wish to find somebody who shares comparable pursuits and sensibilities.
Within the meantime, cease worrying about what anybody else thinks of you, Ageing Disgracefully, for you could have earned the best to live your life in the best way you select, no matter what others assume.
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Dave Petchy